Monday, June 4, 2012

hello again

well, it's been too long since i've written, once again.  there have been a few times where i've started to write and then get side tracked in the middle of it, and have to start over another day.

truth is, i haven't really wanted to write that much.  because i always start talking about how much i miss gary and then get all teary eyed and can't finish what i want to say.  this is like therapy for me, and if i'm going to let it all out, it's usually about how much i miss him because that's what is on my mind the i give up and go play with the kids or take pictures or find something else to distract me.  but today i just need to get it out....i need to let it go... i never knew that this 10 months of being apart would have such an effect on our lives.  i mean, sure, i knew that i'd miss him and that we'd both get lonely from time to time and the kids would miss daddy.   but it has trickled down and changed our lives in so many ways.  it's changed me.   changed me in that i never realized how much i was dependent on gary, how much he took care of me.  i've always thought of myself as being such a strong independent woman and boy was i off.  there were a lot of times when, as a stay at home mommy, i felt as though i was taking on the world by myself.  i'm sure there are other moms who feel that way, too.  it's like we do EVERYTHING, isn't it?  now that i've been without gary for 4 months, i admit whole heartedly that i do not in fact, do EVERYTHING.  there are so many little things that i've had to learn to do while he's away.  which, in all actuality, isn't a bad thing, i guess.  i know how to flush our a/c  pipes to keep the garage from flooding.  i know how to operate our sprinkler system now to keep our lawn up to the HOA's high standards.  i know how to grow vegetables in my own garden, something i have never had any interest in, but have totally fell in love with.  i know how to take both kids to the pool by myself and actually ENJOY it and ENJOY them.   the list could go on, with such things as taking out the trash and recyclables, hanging stuff on the walls, changing the light bulbs and a/c filter and killing all of the dreaded palmetto bugs and getting the lizards out of the house.  it's been an interesting 4 months to say the least.  last week our garage door decided to break (soon after the sprinkler system meltdown), and i've never felt so incompetent and useless.  i couldn't tell you a single thing about a garage door or how it works.  i got so mad and frustrated with myself. why didn't i ever try to learn to do things around my house?  why don't i know anything about home repair/improvement or yard work or my car?  because i have a wonderful husband who always did that stuff for me.  and god, do i miss him.  in a way its good that i have had to learn to do this stuff because if we come into this situation again, i'll be much better prepared.  but i would so much rather have him here, drinking a cold one in the garage, working on the sprinkler system and changing the oil in the van for me...the fact is, we are partners, we function as a whole, a unit, if you will.  we married each other so that we could take care of one another and walk through life TOGETHER.  and right now, it just sucks to be apart.  it's what we had to do, and yes, we are grateful to God that he has a job, but it's not ever something we saw happening to us.  it's like we are living separate lives right now, and there are days when that is really hard to swallow and both of us just want it to end.  i know, i could be worse, i'm just having a pity party.   there are people in the military and single moms who do this sort of thing all the time, and i do have a new found respect for them.  i applaud them.  but....we are not military.  i am not a single mom.  this isn't how we envisioned things going.   this wasn't part of "our plan" or what we signed up for.  it's been so hard for me to let go of what i cannot change and cannot control.  it's just frustrating.  we are surviving, sure.  we see each other once every 2-3 weeks and thanks to my parents, just enjoyed a nice weekend in new orleans by ourselves.  but it's still hard.  putting the kids to bed at night is always when i miss him the most.  i'm counting down the days, weeks, and months until he's back home and we can get back to our life TOGETHER.

our kids are handling things so much better than i am.  they miss daddy every day, but it's amazing how resilient and compassionate they are.  mckenna just knows when i'm having a rough day and will give me an extra hug or tell me that i'm doing a good job.  michael's always making me laugh, and he keeps me on my toes.   not sure what i'm going to do with myself next year when he's in school every morning.  he'll be starting VPK with our beloved "Miss Trish" and he couldn't be more excited.  mckenna is going to be in 2nd grade and is very much looking forward to summer vacation and our trip to missouri.  she can't wait to go fishing with daddy and go water skiing for the first time.  it's the first family trip we are all taking together.  us, my parents, and my brother's family are all going.  and not only that, but we get to hang with my best friend and her family, too, as they are graciously hosting all of us.   gary will be flying there from pensacola to meet us and it will be a whole week of just being together and that is what we need the most right now.
because TOGETHER is what our life is all about.  -xoxo

Here are a few pics from our recent NOLA weekend
Gary checking out the beads for our krewe

My very first hurricane at Pat O Brien's

Gary having a beer at the Crescent City Brewery

Beers on Day two in NOLA, who would've thought after the hang over on day 1?


Anonymous said...

this made me tear up. remember we are a phone call away and can be there if ever you need anything. you are doing an outstanding job. keep your chin up! love you all!!!!

-jana said...

thanks tanya. i'm so emotional lately. and writing is my only way to express it. love you guys!!!

jackie said...

My friend Debbie posted this today and it seems fitting for me to share with you.
I know God will not give me more than I can handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much.
Mother Teresa

Hang in there kiddo. You're doing better than you believe. Love you

Anonymous said...

One day down is one step closer to the end of this time apart, hang in there, you are doing great!


Greg said...

Well there goes my man card... I teared up too. It is amazing how much we depend on each other. Makes me love my gal and thankful we see each other every single day. Very Thankful! Can't wait for Gary to be back home for you guys!

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